SAMW

Its snowing……….so I started to listen to Back to December. As I’m listening to it i cant help thinking its a sign. A sign that maybe just maybe there will be one last chance. I never got a chance, in december I was on west campus…..one of the most miserable places. Not because it was cold, but because i knew you were on east campus and i knew that was best. So could this snow and my accidental encounter with this song mean i’ll get one more chance. Do i want it? Do you want it?

The rain always seems to bring me to think, especially about you. It was raining all day yesterday and seeing you didn’t help. I hate how much you really mean to me, i hate how I couldnt concentrate on my exam because i was concentrating on you. I hate how I completely fell apart when i saw you leave early. I hate how I always look at your seat and see it empty. I hate how all my quotes are always about you. I hope one day you look back and realize i was there, and now im not. Its been nearly a year and i still cant help thinking about you all the time. It was completely ridiculous how when i saw your name on the “people you may know” my day was instantly made and ruined. I don’t think ill ever be able to really let go. Thanks to you, my thoughts are never really what they should be. Also thanks to you i can never listen to Taylor Swift ever again.

Well this is it, the final stretch. It’s been a pretty interesting year, but part of me doesn’t want it to end. In two months I’ll never have to see Ethan again. It actually bothers me a bit, how I feel like i left the wrong impression. Maybe it’s just staying up all night but i woke up this morning feeling incredibly pressured. Worldskills is coming up and although i dont actually have the confidence to go, i couldnt pass it up. This quarter has brought me some pretty amazing opportunities, i made friends with foes, worked with Carlin a couple of times, met some pretty cool popular kids, and learned a bit about myself. I really can’t wait for summer. I really want to start driving soon. But leaving a impression like that wasn’t the way i wanted this to end. Its quite awkward actually, how we have these awkward moments of end contact, and that awkward day we worked so well together, and then those awkward moments where i’m talking with mutual friends and Carlin cant join the conversation and when your talking to mutual friends and i cant join the conversation. It amazes me how similar we seem to be, but yet we can’t even stand to be around each other. Its fine though because I’m pretty sure if i learn to drive i wont be back at CCH next year. Like I said, its not the way i wanted to leave, but its the only way. Oh gosh i cant wait to finally be able to walk into class and not have to worry that you’re already in there. Have a good life……. because i know i will :)

Today been a day of challenges, I woke up feeling like crap and I’ve started to notice my imperfections. My fingers were short and stubby, and my acne has been out of control. I came home and try to sleep it off, and although it felt better, a sudden rush of events made me feel even worse. For the past hour my mother has been giving me a speech, although they usually don’t affect me, this one did. I sat on my bed and watched as i looked at her age before my very eyes, bringing tears along with her words. I suddenly noticed the worried expression lines that suddenly became so vivid. Although I wont go into more detail, i want to leave future self with these words. Think your tired? Look at your poor mother working so you can complain. Think you had a rough day at school? Realize last year you were fighting to gain this privilege. Think everyone hates you? Remember how Alexandra and Richard yelled at Vince. Think Carlin and Ethan are rude? Don’t let it bother you…..it takes up too much time. Finally, if you have an exam dont watch for “another minute” turn off the tv and study. Remember you fought for the privilege to go to an amazing school, this school is filled with opportunities like scholarships, remember those scholarships will enable you to do so much more. Take the opportunities you’re given, because not everyone gets them.

Its been two weeks since you’ve became friends with them. I know they aren’t the right people for either you or me but somehow, we’ve became friends with them. For some reason your new found relationship with them has lead you to feel more comfortable around me. I would’ve been ecstatic before, but now I don’t want anything to do with you. I’ve finally let go of any hopes of even talking to you and i know if i pick them up one more time i wont be able to let it go. Next quarter is approaching soon, although its been great to have the opportunity to work with you and get to know you a bit, I know if i see your face there on the first day, I’m going to switch to west campus. I really didn’t want it to end like this but its how it is. I really want to stay, but Ive decided i need to leave. So if the opportunity to change schools is possible, you wont see me next year. Life’s not a movie, so this doesn’t need to have a happy ending either.

“When you see someone in your dreams, it means they were thinking about you before they fell asleep.” I really hope that’s true, i just slept for ten hours and every time you were there. :)

This week has been another busy week, as usual it was filled with highs and lows. I finally got a chance to talk to you but I was too much of a little pussy. And of course i finally stood up to a bully and it actually turned out pretty well. It really angers me how your hanging out with such bad people that don’t actually care for you. And on top of everything my teacher offered me a once in a lifetime opportunity. I stood there in awh as Mr.Reichert offered me a spot in worldskills. It’s really not that i don’t want to go, I ecstatic that i was given the chance. But there are so many more people who are more talented then me. Picking me to be one of the three in such a large high school is so pressuring. If i fail i dont only fail myself, i fail my school, my family, and especially the kids more more deserving of this opportunity of me. It really kind of angers me how my parents think I’m bragging about it, I really actually am trying to discuss this with them. And being away for two days means two less days of seeing you. I can’t afford to miss those two days with you, and the added pressure of disappointing everyone. I cant afford to lose, not anymore. This is all i have, i can’t lose anymore.

that awkward moment you so desperately admire someone you have to top them in every way, even if it’s against your morals.

I promised I wouldn’t do this to myself again, the pain, the hurt, the rejection. I promised myself I’d learn to let go but here I am doing it to myself again. It killed me to see you talking with people who would eventually use you and leave. I wanted to be there, with you, helping you and block out all the bad but I couldn’t. This morning I saw you looking, hoping that yesterday’s feelings would transpire over to today, but I just couldn’t bring myself to let in any more pain. There were multiple times I wanted to talk but again I just couldn’t do it. At the end of the day all that could’ve made my day better was seeing you there, but you weren’t. The whole way home all i could think about was coming home and sleeping. Sleeping until the day I would die, because the pain I’m experiencing now is indescribable. Honestly, I can’t wait to go back on Monday and work with you again. But at the same time I just can’t. This needs to end, I can’t take it anymore.

After days of lonely thoughts and depressing nights I finally harvested the courage to let go. Then something made me put your name back into the Facebook search one last time, only this time i actually found you. The night was painful but bare able, and then i realized the project we had to do together. I walked into the room and instantly paled as I saw you and I were the only group members present.  But today was different, your usual stern expression was replaced with a toothy grin that made me smile. Our usual awkward enforced partnership was replaced with a gentle work environment. Your usual angry tone cooled into a friendly shy conversation. I didn’t want it to end, it was perfect the awkward pictures we had to take together wasn’t awkward at all and maybe even fun. From the enforced handshake to the final smile this day was amazing. It really makes me wonder when I’ll actually be able to let go and not get sucked back in. Does this mean we’re cool……or was this just God’s way of saying “there’s your wish” leave.